Oh Knickers!

Hello there one and all!

I was getting my little girl ready for school this morning when suddenly she said "Mummy, I've got a wedgie!" Obviously it's time I bought the girl some new undies, she's growing up way too fast for my liking. Then I thought to myself, I can't even remember the last time I had a wedgie and then I looked at the contents of my knicker drawer.

Just a little sketch to put the point across.
Well, I wasn't taking pictures of my knicker drawer!

Well it's no bloody wonder I don't have wedgies any more, you should see the size of my crackers!  Parachutes and tall ship sails as far as the eye can see. It's a wonder I haven't been carried off whilst blow drying!

   The reason? Well that's it isn't it, since having my babies I appear to have been purchasing yacht sails and wearing them as underpants. As a parent I do have to go for comfort as I'm sure a lot of you are aware, walking along on the school run picking lacey knickers out of your bum is not something your kid's want to be associated with. And no child  needs "Oh yeah, that's knicker picker's son!" being shouted at the school gates about them. School's hard enough! 

   I did however find 4 pairs of pretty patterned things obviously acquired before I started buying underwear from bosun's locker, and before baby number 2, when I had time to practise the art of seduction. All that's gone to pot now of course, the best we can hope for is a quick "are they asleep? Quick get naked!" and away we go! I mean, planning a lace encased evening of passion is nigh impossible! So alas I have become the queen of the cotton gusset. Practical, comfortable and minimal chance of a yeast infection. (We've all had 'em, and we know it ain't good!)

   I digress, the point is I'm utterly shocked about the size of my 'smalls' because this lead me to thinking at great length (or rather width) about another thing. Good God, you should see the size of my arse! Yes, not rocket science I admit.  Maths tutorial

                             large knickers = lard erm I mean, large arse.

   I shall HAVE to do something about this! I'm not completely massive but I could certainly do with losing a few pounds, to stop the chaffing if nothing else. I'm thinking about Slimming World. I managed to lose a stone and a half last time, put a stone back on like, but kept the half off. Now I think it's high time I re-tackled it! I don't mind being buxom, but for the sake of my health, and my knicker drawer, it's time to fight some flab! I'm going for it, lose 5 pounds and treat myself to a new pair of satin knickers. 

   With a cotton gusset of course!

  

 Is there anyone else who, with parenthood looming over you, have opted for the cotton? Can you be bothered donning silk G-strings instead of Bridget Jones' style bloomers? Do share, but not with too much detail please.

I'm going Bald!!

   That's right people, I'm losing my hair. I'm telling you, it's not like I haven't got a high enough forehead to begin with, I've now been graced with an extra half inch for goodness sake. It happened after my first baby too. Everything is great for about 3 months, then suddenly the bath water drains a hell of a lot slower and you start picking rather long hairs out the crack of your butt. Oh believe me, it's every bit as attractive as it sounds.
 I googled it, (postpartum hair loss, not hairy bum picking) something about your follicles going dormant because they don't rest while you're pregnant, hence the luxuriant locks you get during pregnancy. Children have a lot to answer for, it's a good job my boy is cute bless him.

   Mind you, it's probably a good thing this hair loss malarkey, it's prompted me to get a long overdue haircut. (Just trying to find the silver lining here!) It's about time I had a spot of pampering so I have booked in for the weekend. A cut and colour with a compulsory fringe to camouflage the receding hairline. They better do a good job as well, they're charging me 70 quid! Still at least it only takes about 8-12 months to rectify itself and start growing again. I can then go back to not bothering with haircuts and looking like a bedraggled, land bound mermaid, with only hair and shells to cover my lady lumps. Oh yeah, that's how I roll!

   Well readers, that is about the gist of today's session. Short and sweet, much like my hair will be after the chop! 

    If this is happening to anyone else.... just thank whatever gods you believe in that it isn't your teeth! That's what I'm doing.

Toodleoo!